a second excerpt from
A GUIDEBOOK TO THE ILLNESSES OF THE AFTERLIFE
a little humor from the hereafter
By Dr. Lester Mitchell, Doctor of Eternal Medicine
as told to Raymond A. Moody, Jr., M.D., Ph.D. author of Life After Life
This is another excerpt from Raymond Moody’s playful look at the illnesses of the afterlife.
Raymond’s light-hearted parody is in no way intended to dismiss anyone’s suffering or the gravity of the current pandemic. Raymond’s hope, however, is this little bit of humor might offer a little bit of “enlightenment” during these heavy days.
In the afterlife, deceased people dislocate their haloes all the time. They say that it happens to the average person two or three times in a span of about a hundred human earth lifetimes. It looks awful and looks like it would be very painful. But it does not hurt a bit.
Still, most patients come to the clinic for treatment well within the period of an average human lifetime. A few wait for dozens of average human lifetimes to go and get their haloes refitted, though. And in the meantime it almost drives other people crazy who have to look at it all the time. So, finally, the other people have to force them to go to the afterlife clinic to get treated.
The halo can be dislocated at all sorts of different angles and positions. And each kind of dislocation requires a different specialist. Halo specialists keep very busy, too. Besides all those who come in with dislocated haloes, there are a lot of deceased people who come in saying their halo doesn’t look right to them. They want the doctor to tilt their halo a little bit forward or backward, or even up the edges. Or, they want the doctor to make their halo shine brighter, or put a dimmer switch on it.
There is also a rare illness called halo whine, a strange whine that some people can hear coming from the halo, but others cannot hear. Or, some say the noise is a strange hum or buzz coming out of the halo. But the doctors on the other side have to send these patients away disappointed, because there is no known cure or treatment for halo whine.
Doctors say the condition only lasts for about an average human lifetime, and then goes away on its own. But then a few patients come in when that happens to see if the doctors can get tlre whine or hum started again. They say they missed hearing it. Or, they tell the doctor that they felt their halo whine made them more popular, or stand out in their group.
This disease is the most common public health problem in the afterlife. Holy slobosis comes from deceased people just lounging around in their big mansions all the time, and never getting any exercise, until they become holy slobs. In fact, about the only exercise people with holy slobosis get is to waddle over to the Buffet of Eternity two or three times a day. So, doctors advise them to stay away from the Buffet of Eternity on the nights God Himself cooks, and prepares the Almighty Casserole.
Sometimes, newly deceased people have to come into the clinic for an annoying condition called hallelujahritis. The condition is caused by shouting “Hallelujah!” so loud and so long that it kind of loses all meaning to them. But doctors on the other side say that hallelujahritis is basically harmless. They tell the patients that the cure is to keep shouting “Hallelujah!” over and over real loud until the meaning comes back.
Every time anyone gets saved while they are alive on earth, it leaves a little mark on them that everyone else can see in the afterlife. One or two salvation sores are regarded as becoming. However, if someone is covered with salvation sores from stem to stern, other deceased people consider it a bad blemish. So, people with a lot of salvation sores are always very embarrassed by it and they become reclusive.
The worst thing about salvation sores, though, is that Jesus makes fun of the condition. When He sees someone with too many salvation sores He laughs out loud and says, “Once wasn’t enough for you, huh?” And then He laughs out loud again. Of course, Jesus always does it in a sweet, loving way. Still, people who are covered with salvation sores keep to themselves, or associate only with other deceased people with the illness. They are afraid to go out in public because they worry that they might happen to run into Jesus, and He would crack his corny joke about their condition.